After a long hiatus, I’d like to tell you all about some more things I hate.
Ice skaters. Really? That’s what you decided to become? Someone who spins? There are a lot of people in very poor countries who would give anything to stop spinning. Shame on you, ice skaters.
People who ask you what celebrity they look like. Lady, if you looked like a celebrity I’d let you know. You probably look like a mix between John Goodman and Chumley from Pawn Stars. The most annoying thing about people who do this is that they’ve usually got a celebrity in mind. “Oh, people always tell me I look like Julia Roberts.” Oh really? Is this Julia Roberts dead and covered in a rash? Has her face been taken off and been replaced with a racoon mask through a new technology like in the movie Face-Off, starring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage? If not then you look nothing like Julia Roberts.
Raccoons. Stop going through my trash. It’s none of your business.
This has been “Things I Hate.”
I hate it when women sell cologne and have mustaches. I realize that’s specific and I’m not saying this is an epidemic, but it seems like her lip pony might be antithetical to her workplace environment. I mean I know she’s selling a scent and not working for say Maybelline or Dr. Zizmore or something, but come on.
How can I ever trust your sense of smell if your vision is so bad that you can’t even see you’ve turned into Hispanic Ron Jeremy? To be fair, though I bought no cologne, in the end all I could think about was running my fingers through that little black toothbrush of hair and then cooking eggs Benedict with the grease.
I hate dogs wearing coats. Correction, I hate the people who put them in coats because you know why coats exist? To keep us warm. And for decades coats were made of fur and dogs already have fur. Some old women even wear fur to this day! It’s even worse if the person is putting antlers on the dog or dressing it up as baby Jesus or something. The only animals that should get coats are hairless Chihuahuas. It’s indecent.
I hate people who walk in groups of three side by side. Guess what? One of you is the asshole who should be walking behind. If the other two people are too scared to tell you then you need to figure it out on your own. You don’t belong, asshole. Sidewalks go both ways. There’s no room for three people walking like you’re in the Wizard of Oz. And no coat for Toto.
Finally, in this holiday season, I hate Greenpeace. Do you ever do anything besides pretend you’re saving whales? If you actually cared about saving whales you’d go to Japan and murder a fisherman. No, all you care about is stopping me on the street and getting my credit card number so that you can go blow an endangered tiger with your commission. Fuck Greenpeace.
All I want to do here is give you a little insight into everything that’s gotten me to this point. So a special thanks goes out to John Jameson and Chichi, the guy who sold sausages outside of my college dorm at 2 AM. I don’t think that’s how his name is spelled. I’m sorry to dishonor you, Chichi.
But really this website is so you can find my published works, photographs from around the world, my film blog on Atticus books, freelance, and my personal blog all in one place Thanks for visiting. Enjoy!