After a long hiatus, I’d like to tell you all about some more things I hate.
Ice skaters. Really? That’s what you decided to become? Someone who spins? There are a lot of people in very poor countries who would give anything to stop spinning. Shame on you, ice skaters.
People who ask you what celebrity they look like. Lady, if you looked like a celebrity I’d let you know. You probably look like a mix between John Goodman and Chumley from Pawn Stars. The most annoying thing about people who do this is that they’ve usually got a celebrity in mind. “Oh, people always tell me I look like Julia Roberts.” Oh really? Is this Julia Roberts dead and covered in a rash? Has her face been taken off and been replaced with a racoon mask through a new technology like in the movie Face-Off, starring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage? If not then you look nothing like Julia Roberts.
Raccoons. Stop going through my trash. It’s none of your business.
This has been “Things I Hate.”
I hate dogs wearing coats. Correction, I hate the people who put them in coats because you know why coats exist? To keep us warm. And for decades coats were made of fur and dogs already have fur. Some old women even wear fur to this day! It’s even worse if the person is putting antlers on the dog or dressing it up as baby Jesus or something. The only animals that should get coats are hairless Chihuahuas. It’s indecent.
I hate people who walk in groups of three side by side. Guess what? One of you is the asshole who should be walking behind. If the other two people are too scared to tell you then you need to figure it out on your own. You don’t belong, asshole. Sidewalks go both ways. There’s no room for three people walking like you’re in the Wizard of Oz. And no coat for Toto.
Finally, in this holiday season, I hate Greenpeace. Do you ever do anything besides pretend you’re saving whales? If you actually cared about saving whales you’d go to Japan and murder a fisherman. No, all you care about is stopping me on the street and getting my credit card number so that you can go blow an endangered tiger with your commission. Fuck Greenpeace.