Things I Hate: 2014

After a long hiatus, I’d like to tell you all about some more things I hate.

Ice skaters. Really? That’s what you decided to become? Someone who spins? There are a lot of people in very poor countries who would give anything to stop spinning. Shame on you, ice skaters.

People who ask you what celebrity they look like. Lady, if you looked like a celebrity I’d let you know. You probably look like a mix between John Goodman and Chumley from Pawn Stars. The most annoying thing about people who do this is that they’ve usually got a celebrity in mind. “Oh, people always tell me I look like Julia Roberts.” Oh really? Is this Julia Roberts dead and covered in a rash? Has her face been taken off and been replaced with a racoon mask through a new technology like in the movie Face-Off, starring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage? If not then you look nothing like Julia Roberts.

Raccoons. Stop going through my trash. It’s none of your business.

This has been “Things I Hate.”

Things I Hate: New Year’s Edition

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I hate it when women sell cologne and have mustaches. I realize that’s specific and I’m not saying this is an epidemic, but it seems like her lip pony might be antithetical to her workplace environment. I mean I know she’s selling a scent and not working for say Maybelline or Dr. Zizmore or something, but come on.
How can I ever trust your sense of smell if your vision is so bad that you can’t even see you’ve turned into Hispanic Ron Jeremy? To be fair, though I bought no cologne, in the end all I could think about was running my fingers through that little black toothbrush of hair and then cooking eggs Benedict with the grease.